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| Within the past week or so I’ve started drinking more. alone. I’ve
heard that’s how alcoholics become alcoholics, by drinking too much
alone. I’m usually just a social drinker. Maybe it could be the stress,
fatigue and unhappiness I’ve been feeling (see previous post about
apartment hunting etc.). I wouldn’t be surprised… I have been pulling out larger than normal amounts of hair lately… | | |
| People always say “oh the kids had a
blast” or “well at least the kids got to have fun”. Everything is
always about the kids and about the kids having fun. That’s awesome - I
love it. But what about the adults? Why can’t the adults be the ones
that “had a blast” or “at least got to have fun”? Adults get too
serious. Yes life needs to be serious but we definitely don’t have
enough fun in our lives these days. That’s for damn sure - just too
much stress for the average individual I guess.
Apartment hunting sucks ass in Vancouver. Seriously. I’m so tired of
it. My ‘roommate’ isn’t helping AT ALL and it’s a lot of friggen work.
It’s getting me more and more stressed out and cranky as the days go by.
I feel like I have a lot of pivotal life decisions right now all at
once. I guess it’s only a couple but they feel like such big ones. It
feels harder than the decisions I made about my career and what school
to go to etc. I guess this is the next decision making step as an
adult. Basically it’s where to move to, who to move in with or alone,
whether to move at all and whether to keep my car or give it up
entirely. The whole lot of it is just not making me a happy camper.
I guess I can look a bright side I have. I get to go to a job I love
and see and interact with someone who makes me smile 5 days a week.
Is my rambling getting any better Valen? or am I still doing it a lot?
| | |
| It's time to play catch up - it's been a while since I last posted.
Valen says I ramble so I'll try not to do that - maybe point form would
help?
- I had my wisdom teeth pulled... it sucked but the aftermath
hasn't been all that bad other than having to dig everything I eat out
of the holes where my teeth used to be.
- I started building links for one of our company websites by
adding it to CSS Gallery sites... so we got a fair bit of street cred
and site traffic. I think it was more of a mistake on my part, it was
Chris' suggestion... so thanks Chris!
- Still looking for an apartment - I'm really tired of this game.
- I'm jealous of Nicole for being able to find a nice apartment in 1/4 of the time its taking me and being able to afford it.
- I've decided to let go of the thought of Justin - don't dip your
pen in the company ink as it were... it's just a bad idea to try
something with someone you work with. It's still hard but all I want
now is a good friendship and we're still working towards that. My goal
is to be able to invite him to this year's fright night at playland.
- Backstreet Boys were PHENOMENAL.... seriously, actually
speechless. No words can describe it but its amazing how good that kind
of nostalgia can feel - it brought me back to a world of no worries.
- Simple Plan was awesome too - way better than the last time I saw them from what I remember. But they were great - LOVED IT.
As a last note I realized on my way home from work today that this
is my life now. It's not changing. Vancouver is where I work so
Vancouver is where my life is. Chilliwack is the past and so are the
people there. My close friends and family will still remain a very
large part of my life but for the most part my present and future are
here. It's an accomplishment for sure and I'm proud of myself but at
the same time its depressing because I'm so lonely. I've only got 2
friends I can call up to do stuff and they're both in school and so
busy most of the time. I would love to meet new people but it takes
time to build those relationships where you can just call them up
whenever and they'll wanna hang out. I guess that's why I want
this friendship with Justin to work out so badly - it means another
friend to call up and he's cool and fun and makes me laugh. I'm done rambling now Valen... goodnight. | | |
| Today was my first day at my new job. It
was good, but for some reason by the end of the day - in the evening,
long after I’d left work I didn’t feel very good at all. A friend of
mine described to me the other day what it was like to be in
self-destruct mode, I didn’t tell her, but she didn’t need to explain
at all, because I really understood. I realized today that I’ve only
ever felt the random secret I’m about to reveal when Morgan hasn’t been
in my life. When he was an active part of my life - this thought or
others like it, never would have entered my mind, because I was happy -
because I felt like somebody other than my family… loved me.
And so, I’m sorry Valen - but I have to take from the master of blogging… Random Secret #1:
Sometimes I feel like I should be on suicide watch because I get
visions or ideas of doing things to myself that would hurt me… worse
than gradual self-destruction.
| | |
| I thought I didn't have any tears left for him. But I was wrong.
Very wrong indeed.
Approx. 197 days remaining | | |
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